I'm afraid of getting ambushed by the other me that I've sealed way long ago.
When it just surges forward and refuses to settle back in.
The me that was always so naive and stupid.
The me that was so easily hurt and intimidated.
The me that was always so disgustingly hopeful and gentle.
The me that was left vulnerable sitting on the wooden bench. Under the rain. Waiting and waiting. Just clinging onto a spider thread of hope.
When someone comes along and tries to pry through the locks I've had in place, I feel really uncomfortable and intimidated. I'm just too afraid of being let down again. So much so that I neglect the present which might open the right door I've been looking for.
It's really hilarious isn't it? When it comes to the person I love, I'm unable to control my emotions. I'm unable to stop myself from getting upset and jealous over every little stupid thing. And most of the time, I'd just hide whatever I feel deep down. So much so that I don't look vulnerable. .
I get upset because I care. I get cold because I'm afraid. I get quiet because I'm fighting a war within myself. I guess it just doesn't shows that way. I only have myself to blame.
Sometimes I let myself out, for a short while. Just for a really really short while. to let my other soul breathe and be hopeful. To let myself be vulnerable to someone. But usually it just ends up in an ugly mess. And it'd retreat back into my sanctuary eventually.
It's ironic how I've always preached, "But he who dare not grasp the thorns, shall not crave the rose."
I dare not crave for the roses because of the experiences of invisible bleeding wounds. If only, if only I could just kill my emotions and start fooling around.
-Kage
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