Hello, guys, I don't
know who might be reading, perhaps it might be me myself a few years down the
road, but today I would like to pour my heart out into a beautiful story that
has just ended. It's about the story of a Wolf and a Cat, the Wolf being my now
ex, and the Cat, me.
I will start from the end from the relationship and then move towards the
beginning. Every post that I write, I will vividly note it down and relive the
pain to the best of my abilities. Hopefully, before I finish this series of
post, I, myself, will be able to accept it fully and be ready to start a new
beginning with someone else.
Taiwan Day 10 ~ 11
X has finally left the
room in the afternoon to meet his date. I moved closer to Wolf and gave a
tentative hug. He was awake, and I decided to ease into the topic I had in mind
which I've run debates over for the
entire night. Something which I probably should not have done. Apparently, he had wanted to forget about all
the arguments and discussions we had, to pretend that all these things did not
happen.
The discussion that
morning did not convince him that X really had issues and he was convinced that
I was biased against X. And I don't know how else to convince Wolf of
otherwise. We then went on about our daily activities in the daytime to explore Taiwan individually as Wolf
wanted his alone time.
At night, we've found
some alone time together as our friend X left to meet his other friends before
heading to the clubs and bars, where Wolf would head out to meet him there an
hour after. There was no music playing that night, we just sat there staring at
our Facebook and not doing anything else. That was when he initiated. He said
that these few days had been extremely exhausting, both emotionally,
physically, and mentally, which was why he seemed to always need a lot more
sleep than usual, in which I concur.
Then somehow, a way or
another, we slipped into the topic of us, and before I knew what I was doing, I
was asking if I could have 50 minutes of his time to talk things out before he
leaves to meet X for drinks. We set the timer on his phone and we started
talking, 50 minutes of truth and honesty, nothing else.
He looked at me and I
looked right back into his eyes. Words of anger, frustration, and sadness were pouring out. What he felt, what I
felt, the criticisms he had for me, and the criticisms I had for him. I steeled
myself as I asked him an honest question. I said, "Were you thinking of
breaking up with me back in Singapore? Was our relationship still afloat in
Taiwan because you did not want it to affect our trip? Was it sympathy and not
romantic affections that you have felt when you first voiced that your feelings
for me have faded on the first day of
Taiwan trip?"
It was at the 30 minutes
mark when both of us were starting to break down. Our fingers intertwined for
comfort. We started describing our feelings and our thoughts about everything.
About my childhood trauma, insecurities, and his irritation, frustration, and guilt for giving me a cold
shoulder and not sparing a thought for me. We poured our hearts out for almost
every single event and a topic we have
thought of, the 50 minutes was just not enough.
By the 45 minutes mark,
we were in a tight embrace on the bed. Both crying our hearts out over the
inevitable loss of the relationship. I've told him that I could never be
friends with my lovers, my lovers would usually become strangers to me again,
and we would probably never see each another, hug each another, nor talk again.
As the clock ticks down to 20 seconds, we were literally wailing and crying our
eyes out. I screamed between sobs that I never wanted to let him go, I didn't
want to let him go now either, I've tried so hard, tried so so hard, I don't
know what else I could do to make him stay or make him still love me. He cried
in return that he was sorry and he was
sorry for hurting me. And as the timer ticks to 5 seconds, we cried, cuddled,
and started counting down aloud together.
5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1, and
as the timer alerted us of the inevitable, we reluctantly released our embrace.
Our relationship has ended. We have become
strangers, and there was nothing we could do than to leave everything behind
that 5 seconds of counting down. He left shortly after, to find his Taiwanese
friend that he has met in another bar instead of X. With my emotions screaming
still screaming in my mind, I blankly looked at him and forced a smile as
convincingly as I could. I told him to be careful outside as we were still in
Taiwan. He nodded and agreed to take good care of himself.
Somehow a way or
another, he knew I would leave that night, I was just a minute away from
getting a ticket back home that night. Anything to leave this place, to never
see him, to avoid everything and run away. He looked at me sadly and told me
that he would not blame me if I actually did that, and he asked me to take
care. That was when I realized, I love him too much that I could not bring
myself to simply dump everything behind and leave him to his own demise; he'd
probably feel a lot worse without me around when he comes back from drinking.
What came after was a
drunk wolf with bruised knuckles from wall punching. We stood in the balcony,
played music, sang, and cried. I can't remember how long we've stood there, but
at some point in time, we stood up and watched the sunrise together; fulfilling
one of our many promises for the last time.
This night was the night
that we had a closure. I could no longer stand the suspense and the hot and
cold treatment. No one was right nor wrong in our relationship. He just
happened to stop loving me, and I guess no one could ever change that.
Hello, guys, I don't
know who might be reading, perhaps it might be me myself a few years down the
road, but today I would like to pour my heart out into a beautiful story that
has just ended. It's about the story of a Wolf and a Cat, the Wolf being my now
ex, and the Cat, me.
I will start from the end from the relationship and then move towards the beginning. Every post that I write, I will vividly note it down and relive the pain to the best of my abilities. Hopefully, before I finish this series of post, I, myself, will be able to accept it fully and be ready to start a new beginning with someone else.
Taiwan Day 10 ~ 11
It was finally day 10,
Wolf and X returned home late from drinking and I pretended to be asleep. I
stared at Wolf's back as he slept at the other end of sofa bed we were on. I
was thinking to myself, willing myself to control my emotions not to touch him,
to stroke him, and to get some reassurance for myself. I was starving from
reassurance and physical affection. Still, I waited and waited.
X has finally left the
room in the afternoon to meet his date. I moved closer to Wolf and gave a
tentative hug. He was awake, and I decided to ease into the topic I had in mind
which I've run debates over for the
entire night. Something which I probably should not have done. Apparently, he had wanted to forget about all
the arguments and discussions we had, to pretend that all these things did not
happen.
The discussion that
morning did not convince him that X really had issues and he was convinced that
I was biased against X. And I don't know how else to convince Wolf of
otherwise. We then went on about our daily activities in the daytime to explore Taiwan individually as Wolf
wanted his alone time.
At night, we've found
some alone time together as our friend X left to meet his other friends before
heading to the clubs and bars, where Wolf would head out to meet him there an
hour after. There was no music playing that night, we just sat there staring at
our Facebook and not doing anything else. That was when he initiated. He said
that these few days had been extremely exhausting, both emotionally,
physically, and mentally, which was why he seemed to always need a lot more
sleep than usual, in which I concur.
Then somehow, a way or
another, we slipped into the topic of us, and before I knew what I was doing, I
was asking if I could have 50 minutes of his time to talk things out before he
leaves to meet X for drinks. We set the timer on his phone and we started
talking, 50 minutes of truth and honesty, nothing else.
He looked at me and I
looked right back into his eyes. Words of anger, frustration, and sadness were pouring out. What he felt, what I
felt, the criticisms he had for me, and the criticisms I had for him. I steeled
myself as I asked him an honest question. I said, "Were you thinking of
breaking up with me back in Singapore? Was our relationship still afloat in
Taiwan because you did not want it to affect our trip? Was it sympathy and not
romantic affections that you have felt when you first voiced that your feelings
for me have faded on the first day of
Taiwan trip?"
It was at the 30 minutes
mark when both of us were starting to break down. Our fingers intertwined for
comfort. We started describing our feelings and our thoughts about everything.
About my childhood trauma, insecurities, and his irritation, frustration, and guilt for giving me a cold
shoulder and not sparing a thought for me. We poured our hearts out for almost
every single event and a topic we have
thought of, the 50 minutes was just not enough.
By the 45 minutes mark,
we were in a tight embrace on the bed. Both crying our hearts out over the
inevitable loss of the relationship. I've told him that I could never be
friends with my lovers, my lovers would usually become strangers to me again,
and we would probably never see each another, hug each another, nor talk again.
As the clock ticks down to 20 seconds, we were literally wailing and crying our
eyes out. I screamed between sobs that I never wanted to let him go, I didn't
want to let him go now either, I've tried so hard, tried so so hard, I don't
know what else I could do to make him stay or make him still love me. He cried
in return that he was sorry and he was
sorry for hurting me. And as the timer ticks to 5 seconds, we cried, cuddled,
and started counting down aloud together.
5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1, and
as the timer alerted us of the inevitable, we reluctantly released our embrace.
Our relationship has ended. We have become
strangers, and there was nothing we could do than to leave everything behind
that 5 seconds of counting down. He left shortly after, to find his Taiwanese
friend that he has met in another bar instead of X. With my emotions screaming
still screaming in my mind, I blankly looked at him and forced a smile as
convincingly as I could. I told him to be careful outside as we were still in
Taiwan. He nodded and agreed to take good care of himself.
Somehow a way or
another, he knew I would leave that night, I was just a minute away from
getting a ticket back home that night. Anything to leave this place, to never
see him, to avoid everything and run away. He looked at me sadly and told me
that he would not blame me if I actually did that, and he asked me to take
care. That was when I realized, I love him too much that I could not bring
myself to simply dump everything behind and leave him to his own demise; he'd
probably feel a lot worse without me around when he comes back from drinking.
What came after was a
drunk wolf with bruised knuckles from wall punching. We stood in the balcony,
played music, sang, and cried. I can't remember how long we've stood there, but
at some point in time, we stood up and watched the sunrise together; fulfilling
one of our many promises for the last time.
This night was the night
that we had a closure. I could no longer stand the suspense and the hot and
cold treatment. No one was right nor wrong in our relationship. He just
happened to stop loving me, and I guess no one could ever change that.
