Dissolution - The Supposed Closure - Part 2.

Hello, guys, I don't know who might be reading, perhaps it might be me myself a few years down the road, but today I would like to pour my heart out into a beautiful story that has just ended. It's about the story of a Wolf and a Cat, the Wolf being my now ex, and the Cat, me.

I will start from the end from the relationship and then move towards the beginning. Every post that I write, I will vividly note it down and relive the pain to the best of my abilities. Hopefully, before I finish this series of post, I, myself, will be able to accept it fully and be ready to start a new beginning with someone else. 

Taiwan Day 10 ~ 11

It was finally day 10, Wolf and X returned home late from drinking and I pretended to be asleep. I stared at Wolf's back as he slept at the other end of sofa bed we were on. I was thinking to myself, willing myself to control my emotions not to touch him, to stroke him, and to get some reassurance for myself. I was starving from reassurance and physical affection. Still, I waited and waited.

X has finally left the room in the afternoon to meet his date. I moved closer to Wolf and gave a tentative hug. He was awake, and I decided to ease into the topic I had in mind which I've run debates over for the entire night. Something which I probably should not have done. Apparently, he had wanted to forget about all the arguments and discussions we had, to pretend that all these things did not happen.

The discussion that morning did not convince him that X really had issues and he was convinced that I was biased against X. And I don't know how else to convince Wolf of otherwise. We then went on about our daily activities in the daytime to explore Taiwan individually as Wolf wanted his alone time.

At night, we've found some alone time together as our friend X left to meet his other friends before heading to the clubs and bars, where Wolf would head out to meet him there an hour after. There was no music playing that night, we just sat there staring at our Facebook and not doing anything else. That was when he initiated. He said that these few days had been extremely exhausting, both emotionally, physically, and mentally, which was why he seemed to always need a lot more sleep than usual, in which I concur. 

Then somehow, a way or another, we slipped into the topic of us, and before I knew what I was doing, I was asking if I could have 50 minutes of his time to talk things out before he leaves to meet X for drinks. We set the timer on his phone and we started talking, 50 minutes of truth and honesty, nothing else. 

He looked at me and I looked right back into his eyes. Words of anger, frustration, and sadness were pouring out. What he felt, what I felt, the criticisms he had for me, and the criticisms I had for him. I steeled myself as I asked him an honest question. I said, "Were you thinking of breaking up with me back in Singapore? Was our relationship still afloat in Taiwan because you did not want it to affect our trip? Was it sympathy and not romantic affections that you have felt when you first voiced that your feelings for me have faded on the first day of Taiwan trip?"

It was at the 30 minutes mark when both of us were starting to break down. Our fingers intertwined for comfort. We started describing our feelings and our thoughts about everything. About my childhood trauma, insecurities, and his irritation, frustration, and guilt for giving me a cold shoulder and not sparing a thought for me. We poured our hearts out for almost every single event and a topic we have thought of, the 50 minutes was just not enough. 

By the 45 minutes mark, we were in a tight embrace on the bed. Both crying our hearts out over the inevitable loss of the relationship. I've told him that I could never be friends with my lovers, my lovers would usually become strangers to me again, and we would probably never see each another, hug each another, nor talk again. As the clock ticks down to 20 seconds, we were literally wailing and crying our eyes out. I screamed between sobs that I never wanted to let him go, I didn't want to let him go now either, I've tried so hard, tried so so hard, I don't know what else I could do to make him stay or make him still love me. He cried in return that he was sorry and he was sorry for hurting me. And as the timer ticks to 5 seconds, we cried, cuddled, and started counting down aloud together. 

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1, and as the timer alerted us of the inevitable, we reluctantly released our embrace. Our relationship has ended. We have become strangers, and there was nothing we could do than to leave everything behind that 5 seconds of counting down. He left shortly after, to find his Taiwanese friend that he has met in another bar instead of X. With my emotions screaming still screaming in my mind, I blankly looked at him and forced a smile as convincingly as I could. I told him to be careful outside as we were still in Taiwan. He nodded and agreed to take good care of himself.

Somehow a way or another, he knew I would leave that night, I was just a minute away from getting a ticket back home that night. Anything to leave this place, to never see him, to avoid everything and run away. He looked at me sadly and told me that he would not blame me if I actually did that, and he asked me to take care. That was when I realized, I love him too much that I could not bring myself to simply dump everything behind and leave him to his own demise; he'd probably feel a lot worse without me around when he comes back from drinking.

What came after was a drunk wolf with bruised knuckles from wall punching. We stood in the balcony, played music, sang, and cried. I can't remember how long we've stood there, but at some point in time, we stood up and watched the sunrise together; fulfilling one of our many promises for the last time.   

This night was the night that we had a closure. I could no longer stand the suspense and the hot and cold treatment. No one was right nor wrong in our relationship. He just happened to stop loving me, and I guess no one could ever change that.