My love, my confession

It was pouring and it was close to midnight. We were taking a bus from school, back home, together. Shoulder to shoulder, I felt the warmth I longed for. I still remembered vividly, the splatters of the rain against the window, the rumbling of the bus engines and the murmurings of the tertiary students.

I was falling asleep, indulging in the warmth from the slight physical contact. Just before I fell into the world of oblivion, I felt him moving closer to my face. His breath hot against my skin in the freezing bus. He whispered, "If you were a girl. I'd definitely fall in love with you, before anyone else."

It started off with us meeting in an all boys school. It wasn't all fairies and butterflies like all the other fall in love stories. In fact, I had a nasty first impression of him. He was rude, crude, disrespectful and on top of all that, arrogant and aloof. To make it worse? He cares naught about his schoolwork and lazes all day.

Being as 'suay' as I always am, I was nominated and became the class's chairperson. Knowing my duties, I started helping my class as a whole and it went fairly well, except for him. Lets just call him something typical, how about A? Well, we didn't get along well for like what? 2 years? I kept my distance from him, he kept his from me. It stayed like that for 2 years. Till one day.

The class started discussing about the game 'Dota', it probably came forward because the school introduced and started their advances in the E-gaming field. I had started playing this game ages back and I was definitely not a bad player. [I had joined tournaments before with my team.] My class knew about about me and someone suggested that we should play. Somehow after a game, A was convinced that I should be his teacher and there, bam, that was where it all started.

Over a span of two years, we got even closer together and he had been improving tremendously, he even created his own team for the upcoming tournament selection. Basically the top two teams would represent the school in the upcoming E-gaming competition. I still remembered how happy and anxious he was when he made it to the semi finals in our school. In the end, my team emerged top, his? Third.

I was the only one that saw him leaving the gaming room after the results were finalized. I was concerned but I did not know which type of response was appropriate, so I just followed. He was biting onto his lower lips, trying hard not to break down. He tried to make me go home, but I insisted in walking him home. Knowing it was futile he stopped. We reached the foyer of his block. Without turning to look at me, he whispered in an almost inaudible tone, "I don't want to go back home, not like that, not in this state."

We settled down on the nearby bench and he hugged himself and curled into a ball. I thought he was going to sleep or something, but I thought wrong. He started sobbing all of the sudden and I ended up tearing. There was this surge of emotions that I suddenly felt. I felt his despair, I felt his disappointment and I was at a loss. I reached out to embrace him and halted. Why? Why did I want to hug him I thought. My mind was in a mess, it didn't help that he was almost brawling and I was feeling helpless. In the next heartbeat, I suddenly had an epiphany. I was in love. With him. A guy.

I experienced a lot. More than which I could handle, in that same year and the year after. I experienced guilt, disappointment, jealousy, anger and sadness. My family was in a mess, my academics were plummeting, I couldn't get rid of the emotion in wanting to monopolize him, I screamed and screamed inside, there was no one I could talk to and it came to a point where I felt myself going insane. Then I snapped. I stopped talking to A, ignored him and treated him invisible. I thought it was my cure, my only cure out of this mess.

I spent my days fighting with myself, almost losing my edge every time I see him. His very voice made my heart pumped hard. If anything was close to hell, that probably stood next to it.

Our schools ended, we've completed our O levels. We never met till our results were announced. I scored a fairly decent grade considering how I almost smashed my prelims with a straight list of E8s' and F9s'. Contrary to my results, he did really badly for his O levels. Considering how he have gotten close to a single digit in his prelims.

From my other friends, I heard that he dumped by his girlfriend and he was badly affected by it. I didn't know what to think. I felt incredibly guilty and upset. I chided myself for not staying close to him to provide support. Yes, I was a fool, I ended up crying, people thought I did so because of my bad results LOL.

Eventually we patched up. My friends scammed me into meeting him. It was so awkward but the ice eventually melted away. We started talking again. Started texting, starting playing games and started hanging out. He spent a year in ITE and retook the following O level test. Scored decent grades, left ITE and went into the same polytechnic as me.

Now we're as close as ever. He tells me about his dreams and ambitions and intimate things like his relationships. Every time he ends up thinking that that was his fated one, things start to get ugly and he eventually gets dumped. And I? Always rushing to his side whenever something happens, even if it means that I have to abandon my classes.

If I could choose again, I would still want to be born as a guy. Why? You may ask. Because it is what allowed me to meet him. In an all boys school. I never regretted loving him.

It has been 6 years since I found out that I was in love with him. I still do. The depth of my love for him will remain as a secret, to him. Forever. I love you and I always will.

-Kage

Hatred

It's been ages since I last blogged bout anything. Too tired to be bothered. Too tired to do anything to motivate myself. *shrugs*


Anyway, I've realised that I've something against clubbers,cheaters and people who are in open relationships.
There's two parts of me that shares conflicting views.



Part of me believes that everyone is free to choose what they wanna do and they should not be condemned. Another part of me really hates people who goes out for casual 'fun', cheats around and hook people up at clubs. Idk it just feels god damn weird, there's just this pang of hatred that I can't get rid of. It's like ugh, I despise you mother fucker. Just burn in hell or something. (Just angry words to depict how I felt.)

Does that hatred comes from jealousy? Honestly, I'm not too sure either...but..jealousy? From what? Jealous of not being able to live like them? Maybe there's a part of me that just wants to let go of everything and just advance to a world where I'm not bound by my bondage.



I'm trying to escape...trying to. Maybe, just maybe one day..the other me might die off. Then I'd not be able to reason things out and fight any urges....

Maybe...just maybe.

Kaze

My Fears and Trepidations

I get defensive. I get irritated. I get aggressive. I get sarcastic. That's only because I feel intimidated. By all of my insecurities and all of the uncertainties that's going on. 

I'm afraid of getting ambushed by the other me that I've sealed way long ago. 

When it just surges forward and refuses to settle back in. 

The me that was always so naive and stupid.

The me that was so easily hurt and intimidated.

The me that was always so disgustingly hopeful and gentle. 

The me that was left vulnerable sitting on the wooden bench. Under the rain. Waiting and waiting. Just clinging onto a spider thread of hope.

 

When someone comes along and tries to pry through the locks I've had in place, I feel really uncomfortable and intimidated. I'm just too afraid of being let down again. So much so that I neglect the present which might open the right door I've been looking for.

It's really hilarious isn't it? When it comes to the person I love, I'm unable to control my emotions. I'm unable to stop myself from getting upset and jealous over every little stupid thing. And most of the time, I'd just hide whatever I feel deep down. So much so that I don't look vulnerable. . 

I get upset because I care. I get cold because I'm afraid. I get quiet because I'm fighting a war within myself. I guess it just doesn't shows that way. I only have myself to blame. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr-0t0vOryQ

Sometimes I let myself out, for a short while. Just for a really really short while. to let my other soul breathe and be hopeful. To let myself be vulnerable to someone. But usually it just ends up in an ugly mess. And it'd retreat back into my sanctuary eventually. 

It's ironic how I've always preached, "But he who dare not grasp the thorns, shall not crave the rose."

I dare not crave for the roses because of the experiences of invisible bleeding wounds. If only, if only I could just kill my emotions and start fooling around. 

-Kage

Angst

Just so sick of everything. Maybe I should just release my demons.



Why am I getting so upset over small things? I feel stupid. Real stupid.
Time to wake up and stop acting like a victim. You are not one, and you know that too.





Stop whispering sweet nothings. I have my pride. I won't allow a foot in me that easily. And please don't come looking for me coz you think I'm good looking or attractive. I'm not. It's all just in the photos. I will disappoint you in real life, so don't come at me with unpure intentions.



I'm really exhausted. Can't think well. Just gonna hit the sack.
Kage

Scissors business

Disclaimer: This post is based on real life experiences, any similarities in your life just meant that you are delusional awesome.
Warming: Side effects may include seeing of lines, headaches, boredness, drowsiness, dry-mouth, sensitivity to light, blindness, liquification, lost of memory or even impotence. Stop reading once it happens and consult a doctor if the situation persists.

Haha, been really really lazy busy so yeah, couldn't be bothered really find time to actually upload anything on mah my blog. @@;   )  :    Sorry!!!

Anyways, I've been desperately trying my best to escape from clear my makeup lessons, and it has been piling stagnant for quite a bit. Today, I went through a full day worth of classes and it was hell amazing. Woke up early in the morning for my lessons and had a fucked up an amazing day. I was so not excited!!!


I reached the bus stop with 3 minutes ample time before class starts and I chiong-ed slowly walked across the road. Something fucked up amazing happened. Guess what? An abortion-survivor angelic bird decided to bombard greet me with an egg of fury astonishing gift. It was milky white with a bit of brown and green and it was filled with half digested marvelous tree seeds. I was horrified enchanted by it. FML Lucky me huh?

Was almost late for class Reached my school with remarkable punctuality and I was so proud of myself feeling humble. My earliest 3 hours of much dreaded appreciated class was on the proper method of hair cutting. I played with my scissors practiced the motion that was taught and my fingers bruised like fuck really felt like it was created to bond with my pair of scissors. The metal literally bit into my fingers fit onto my finger and it felt really sensational good. I felt like I was a bloody clown in pain real professional and it was disastrous liberating.


Anyway, I felt like I stepped on a thousand lemons improved a lot at the end of the day. Happily went home and had a ninja lizard beautiful creature waiting ahead in the darkness for me. It was ambushing me welcoming me home and I didn't realised. Not till I fucking stepped on it and finally found it wiggling waggling its tail at me like a dog missing its owner. It was such a scrotum slamming  beautiful day, I genuinely hope that this would not fucking continue. I'd love to have another one of this torturous and depressing sexciting and fulfilling day.


Thanks for reading my blog everyone. With loads and loads of love.
Kaze

Breaking Point

I'm almost at my limit...


Lessons Per Normal - Usually starts at 8am ends at 6pm
Landscape Design Studio III - Have to purchase materials for models this week. + Autocad Landscaping on softscape + hardscape + detailing. [Staying in school's loft this entire week to finish it.]
Floristry & Event Management (FYP), Saturday. [Buy plant materials, buy decorative materials + finish report & decoration preparations by Friday]
World Issues, A Singapore Perspective: Political Systems final presentation + report due next week.
Plant Identification II - Common test on taxonomy and classifications of plants. [50 over plants.] - On Thursday
Turf Management Field Trip Report - Needs further editing. - Due this Thursday.
Workforce Professional Photo Shoot - This Thursday. [My steam iron made yellow brownish rust spots on my formal shirt, I don't have any other formal shirts.]
Hard Disk Data Extraction - Have to collect in two weeks time if not data will be deleted and I'll still have to pay 1.5k. [Wednesday slot is fully booked, must collect on weekdays, timing 9.30am - 10.30am and 2.00pm - 4.00pm.] --> Fuck I've got lessons god dammit.
Project Management Project - Due on 29 July.

Horticulture Engineering Creative Project - Due end of Semester.
Turf Management Creative Project - Due end of Semester.
Landscape Workshop + Test - Next Saturday.
Part Time Hairstyling Diploma - 12 hours per week.

I have no idea how I'm gonna do this. I know I shouldn't be posting this...but, if I don't, I don't have the courage to continue.

-kage

Reminiscences Of Past: Prologue Part 2

While slurping his bowl of noodles, Kaze's eyes wandered down the class table and eventually stopped at where the 'new guy' was. 'Hmmm...he seems lonely sia, I wonder if he's coping well with this class.' He thought as he let out an audible sigh. "Maybe I'll go talk to him and see what happens." Kaze finally decided.
'Well, I don't think it'll hurt to make another friend heh!' Kaze amused himself with that thought as he returned his tray to the respective stall.

'Hey, what's your name?' He asked as he jerked his chin.
'I'm Ryu, why?' Ryu said as he briefly gave a side glance to Kaze.
'Oh damn, this guy seems nasty.' Kaze thought as he attempted to hide that thought from showing.
'Nothing lah, was just wondering where you from.' Kaze replied sheepishly as he tries to look into Ryu's eyes.
'Why should I tell you? None of your business right?' He replied with obvious aggression.

Kaze withdrew immediately and left without rebuking. He swiftly walked back to his seat with a face that was devoid of emotions. It was expected, he chided himself, this class is filled with jerks and arseholes who are not motivated to study.

Kaze diverted his gaze out of the window and followed the movement of the graying clouds that were approaching. A storm is brewing.



To be continued...